Psychotic Princess

I have been writing poetry longer than I have been playing with computers. In recent years I have not written as much as I did when I was a young tormented soul. But, I have a feeling the creative juices are stirring again. 

On this earth I have spent 23 years of my life,
But in my heart, all this time I have felt only half alive.
I have been waking up screaming,
I have been haunted by my demons,
This is the darkness that resides behind my eyes.
I have seen love's true sorrow through the eyes of a child,
It existed in my parents as they fought deep into the night.
Alone and scared, in my room I ran to hide,
I listened through the door to each word they screamed, and I cried.
I prayed to a god that I knew not was there,
And I begged for an end to this love so unfair.
That end did come it came in death,
Of my family and my home there was nothing left.
Thus, in my reckless youth I went wild,
I became an a adult, yet still with the mind of a child.
I learned to suffer alone,
As life ripped me from my mother's womb,
And as my best friend stole my love and changed my life,
And on a cold clear January night my father died.
From this my rage grew,
Anger became the only emotion I knew.
To keep my sanity I stayed sedated in earthly pleasures
I took drugs, drank alcohol, and loved men who saw not my love as a treasure.
So I left my home,
And tore down my pride.
I sold my body,
And freed my child.
Yet it seemed, no one cared to know if I was alive.
Betrayed by false friendships I went back home to mom,
And as a small seed grew strong
In a woman it did not belong,
The father of both her child and mine
Lived in his own longing and to my suffering he was blind.
He used me to fill the void he created,
Again, I stayed silently sedated.
I woke up one morning to find my brother had died
Heroin took him, but in truth his death was the result of a lifetime of lies.
For the lost battle of his love I silently cried,
And vowed from that day to never let love rule my life.
I buried my faith and kept my head held high,
I pushed love and friendship away to preserve my pride.
I worked hard, partied hard, kept the pain all inside,
But somewhere in my heart, I knew I was only half alive.
I would not let pain break me,
Because it was a part of the person it had made me,
And from this knowledge grew such bitterness.
Slowly, love's embrace I began to miss.
But I couldn't get across the abyss,
I couldn't move forward; in the past I tried to exist.
Each attempt at love now failed even greater than before,
Each emotion turned into hatred and I couldn't look in the mirror anymore,
My rage could no longer be sedated; my mind had left via the door,
So I changed everything about my life and I went for the only dream that I could endure.
I found love for a moment; I captured the life I wanted,
I had nowhere to live; I had no food in my stomach, yet still undaunted;
I was the happiest I'd ever been,
Even while knowing deep inside that one day it would have to an end
And one cool September day my world came crashing down again
With nothing left for me in the city of my birth I ran so far away,
I was back with my mother, but nothing was the same,
I felt like I was on the outside of my life looking in,
I found deceit, and lies, and the darkest of sin.
Fearful, crying, lost inside,
I returned to the only thing I knew of a life,
But nothing was the same,
The life I had been looking for could not be captured again.
I began to believe that life was never real,
I thought I would be safe if I never again could feel,
Thus the abyss of my emotions had widened once more,
This slow deliberate death of my heart I tried to ignore,
But as hard as I fought and as hard as I tried,
The anger and the rage burned hotter each time.
As I looked back on this, all the stories of my life,
And wondered what good ever came from all this pain and all this strife,
I saw people crying in lives much simpler than mine,
And I remembered my vow and I held onto my pride.
For love's sorrow that I once saw as I child,
In me so deeply does it now reside.
But this story is not over,
There is another sunrise to wake up to tomorrow,
And from pain did my life begin
And my pen will be silenced only when my life ends.
This is my work in progress
This is my life, nothing more, nothing less.
Maybe one day I can look back on this
With a smile in remembrance
Of how I survived all of this.
And maybe when that day comes my story will be happy
And maybe I'll find reason in these moments of misery.
And maybe one day love's sorrow will turn to bliss
And I'll have the hope that once lived only in my innocence.