Psychotic Princess

The Ranting Tales of a Raving Lunatic...

mes amis, but shoo, i tells you bout my Baby Jeebus

oh hell fuckin no!

Baby Jeebus got wicked mad phat skillz! Word!

Baby Jeebus done come levitatin out my gumbo wif 'tit okra ring on tete, doin his cute little Baby Jeebus baby-hands doin dem Pax Nabisco and Benny's Got All De Dominos and be healin folks raht an lef wif da quickness!

Baby Jeebus show up on billboard in Opelousas wif 'tit Imperial Margarine Crown on tete, what be de sign in Acadiana that you is Da Man.

Baby Jeebus poke 'tit Baby Jeebus head from out my etouffee, wif him all surrounded-like by dem shrimps and dem pieces of andouille sausage and dem shicken, shoo cheres dat's some good-lookin shicken, and dem shrimps and de sausage and de shicken and dem bell peppers and de okra whut done been prev'usly blessed by Baby Jeebus all dancin 'roun in my etouffee goin, "hell yes, Baby Jeebus bringin da FLAVA, yall all gotta give it up for my Shrimps And Sausage And Shicken Etouffee Wif Da Baby Jeebus Flava, shoo cheres yall get on up and dance now!"

i tooks Baby Jeebus down da casino in Marksville wif me, and i drops him in de nickel slot machine cuz i ain't payin like no nevermind, cheres, and i go, like, "Baby Jeebus! i done drop you in dis machine o' Wickedness, shoo but dis must be a sign, no?" and sho nuff Baby Jeebus come bangin out da tray wif like gallons and gallons of nickels, and de nickels dey be goin all over de place, and les gens be like, "shoo, Boo, you gots some pow'rful Baby Jeebus workin' on you, you want i can borry yore Baby Jeebus for a few minutes," and i'm like, "no, dat's MY Baby Jeebus, yall go on now and gets yore own Baby Jeebus!" but i felt bad bout not sharin my Baby Jeebus wif les gens, an so i hie back to Breaux Bridge for to make some grocery, for to have a crawfish boil, and i invites all dem folk from de casino for to come and have some crawfish and beer, and i drop dem Baby Jeebus in dem crawfish pot and sho nuff but if dere ain't crawfish for to feed all les gens in Breaux Bridge, and den a baby pig fall out dem sky and land in my back yard on big pile o' leaves whut i done got all raked up from de fall, and de baby pig he land jes as sof as a feather on a baby's butt, and i say, "BABY JEEBUS DONE BRING ME COCHON DE LAIT!" and les gens all shoutin and sech bout how Baby Jeebus done do up dem fais-do-do all right now, and we alls commence to praisin de Baby Jeebus for Him whut done brung us plus de crawfish and plus de cochon, and den sho nuff some big-ass tom turkee fall out de sky and land direckly in big ol pot of bilin oil whut i done got ready for shicken wings, and i says, "LAWS, BABY JEEBUS GIVE ME TURKEE!" sho nuff but dat Baby Jeebus work wicked Baby Jeebus Magic on my fais-do-do, and later some ol big-tittied girl from Jeanerette come over and get all friendly-like wif me, shoo i tell you what, cheres.

so i calculates i gots to take de Baby Jeebus on de road, for to test this idear that you cain't kill no Baby Jeebus, on 'count of him got whack Baby Jeebus powers. and sho nuff, mes amis, i takes de Baby Jeebus to Beaumont, and i roll down de window of my truck and i say, "Baby Jeebus, dat some powerful bad smell whut come from de refinery here, you want freshen dat up a bit?" and shoo but don't you know but Baby Jeebus done make all dem air what is in Beaumont all lemony-fresh, like when i a 'tit chile, and ma mere done dress me up all good-like for church and den spray me wif cologne, cuz de day before i done got into some skunks, you know. but den i drop de Baby Jeebus out dem window of de truck, see, and 'fore i knows it, Baby Jeebus got runned over by big-ass Tyson Shicken truck what is headin over I-10 for Nawlins. and i stop de truck and i say, "NOOOOOO, BABY JEEBUS! BABY JEEBUS DONE GOT RUNNED OVER BY SHICKEN TRUCK! DE BONELESS SKINLESS CHICKEN BRESS DONE KILL BABY JEEBUS!" but cheres, wouldn't you know nuthin but a thing but dat Baby Jeebus preform a murracul, and done make de I-10 all straight and flat and purty and free from de pothole and de ded armordiller, and you know dat's a powerful big thing to do, what with I-10 bein all tore up and shit. i says, "god-DAMN, Baby Jeebus, you Da Man. or Da Boy. or Da 'Tit Chile, or summat." i commences to make wif de cryin and praisin, cuz you know de Baby Jeebus warnt even in de Draf dis year, he a walk-on at best, but damn if he ain't like first-roun material, like Charlie Alexander or sumpn (speakin of, i kicks myself to dis day dat i never axe Baby Jeebus whut de fuck happen to Bo Rein). and i in de road praisin and testifyin for to make de big case dat my Baby Jeebus is most whack amongst all other Baby Jeebuses, 'specially wif him give me turkee and sech, and

i look up and my Baby Jeebus done be gone, for there have jes gone by a truck what is filled wif Mexicans, and dey gots my Baby Jeebus, and dey is sayin, "Hola Coon-Ass 'migo, we got your Bebe Jeebus, but sure now!" and dey laugh as dey drive off down I-10, and cheres, but troof if i ain't got nuthin more in de world but my truck, and my turkee (for troof, cheres, it be Everlastin Baby Jeebus (tm) brand Turkee), and my 48-gallon Coleman ice chess full of quarters and nickels, and that big-tittied gal from Jeanerette. so sadly, mes amis, i but go home, and i so full of de malaise whut dem city folk call Deprestion, i gets me a freezer dinner whut i nukes in de microwave, shoo i kid you not, and den me and de big-tittied gal commence to some couch cotillion, you know?

life ain't never been de same since den. i jes got de cooler whut always be full of change, and de turkee whut is always dere, and dem big-tittied gal, she commence to lookin like she ain't but half past 18, shoo i garontee. my dawg is good and my pirogue -- okay, my Wellcraft -- she okay too. de Land Rover, she be nice also, but i gots to take offense to dems whut says i can drive it troo de swamp -- ain't no way she goan get outta no hole whut is 5 feet deep. dem's faux advertissemon, shoo. i still got mud all over de seats, and i picks de crawfish outta dem cup holders and i eats em wif mah turkee. cheres, you gots to take de 'tit lagniappe where you gets it.

still, i wish my Baby Jeebus would come back. any yall done seen my Baby Jeebus?

dat's all. i ain't for to trouble you more dis evenin. peace.

de uther jean, what tells dem big tales